THE REAL LIFE BATTLE CREEK

I don’t know about you, but I am really enjoying the new CBS show Battle Creek.  I view it as more of a comedy than a drama and it’s fun to see and hear things with which I am intimately familiar.  Last Sunday the show talked about Maple syrup – perfect timing since March is maple syrup month in Michigan.  They also talked about Emmet Street.  Isn’t it kind of fun to say, “Hey, I know where that is!”?  And (spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it yet) this week they also talked about domestic violence.  In the episode the victim was left standing and the only question was if she killed her assailant or if her father did it to protect her.  In the show they highlighted a history of horrific abuse, but still someone was going to be charged with the murder.  That part wasn’t so funny.

 

In fact, despite the very real dangers that many women live with on a daily basis, there is evidence to suggest that women who kill in their own defense may face greater punishment than other defendants. A study conducted by The Michigan Battered Women’s Clemency Project of homicide convictions and sentences over a three year period in Michigan revealed startling levels of discrimination against defendants who are victims of domestic violence. Results showed that domestic violence victims had higher conviction rates and longer sentences than all others charged with homicide, including those with previous violent criminal records. Overall, a white female defendant with no criminal history who was convicted by a jury of killing a white person could expect an average sentence of 10 to 30 years.  However, if the woman was a victim of domestic violence, her predicted sentence increased to life.

 

One reason is that there are a lot of people - judges, prosecutors, defense attorneys and jurors included - who bring to any trial a host of myths and stereotypes about domestic violence. Perhaps the biggest one being that she can just leave.  Why did she stay?  This question ignores the large body of evidence showing that women do leave. It also demonstrates a failure to understand that leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim.  In fact, lethality increases by 75% when a victim leaves her assailant.  A victim’s actions toward self-preservation must be understood within the context of ongoing intimidation, isolation and control.   Leaving is one of the most complicated decisions that must be made by a victim.  And leaving certainly doesn’t guarantee an end to the violence.

 

S.A.F.E. Place has the dubious honor of being one of the largest and busiest domestic violence shelters in the state.  We are open 24 hours/day, 7 days/week and all of our services are free of charge.  You don’t have to stay at the shelter to receive help.  Unfortunately, we are always busy.  We had a 55% increase in our services last year and over half of the shelter residents we serve are children.  Domestic violence hurts women in every way that they can be hurt – economically, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  If we do nothing, we are saying that these women are expendable. It’s not pleasant to think about what a domestic violence victim endures, but it is devastating to let it continue in silence.   Domestic violence is not an issue that S.A.F.E. Place can solve alone.  It’s not a woman’s issue.  Everyone - men, women and children - are impacted.  It’s a community issue.  If you would like to help, we will happily accept your time, talent and treasure.  Visit them online at www.safeplaceshelter.org or give them a call at 269.965.6093 and ask  how.  We simply can’t meet the need without your support.

 

So, how did the episode end?  Well, the police chief decided that the victim had suffered enough and if her father wanted to go to jail to protect his daughter she would let him – she liked that ending better…she cared about the truth but she cared even more about justice.  In real life Battle Creek we have a police department that has asked to partner with S.A.F.E. Place.  They want to understand the truth so that they can best protect victims and ensure justice. David Shore, the executive producer of the show, said that one reason they chose Battle Creek is because of the sense of hope that the city emanates.  I like that.  I couldn’t agree more.  That is after all, at the very core of it, why S.A.F.E. Place exists – so that the people we serve are able to make choices based on hope instead of based on fear. 

Human Trafficking Hits Home

I never saw Philadelphia Story but when I adopted my daughter Lidia my mother would sing, “Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia? Lydia The Tattooed Lady.  She has eyes that folks adore so, and a torso even more so.  Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia? Lydia The Tattooed Lady.”  I don’t even know the rest of the words, but for some reason that stuck and I would belt out those lyrics randomly and my baby girl would smile, run to me and give me a hug.  Good times.  Then she became a tween.  Parents who had or currently have tweens - I just heard you exhale.  You know what I mean.   Moods that are subject to change without notice and eyes that roll at you sometimes just because you entered the room.  Do I hear an “amen”?!  Now when I sing the song no one runs and hugs me.  Instead I hear a voice from another room yell “That’s just stupid!”  It wasn’t very long ago that she thought “stupid” was a bad word.  *sigh*

Still, she is my baby girl.  And still, it is simply impossible to love her more than I do – even on the days I don’t necessarily enjoy being around her.  As an adoptive parent I am thankful every single day for the selfless sacrifice that a birth mother makes to hand her child to a stranger in the hope that the baby will have the life that she dreams for her, the life that for a number of reasons she can’t provide.  For the last few years I have been saying this gratitude out loud.  I think it is in the hope that if I say it often enough and loud enough it will actually be true.  It probably is…I have to believe it is.  The alternative is just too horrible.

 

My daughter is a Mayan Indian from Guatemala.  After a successful domestic adoption and two failed ones I decided to adopt internationally.  I researched my options and selected Guatemala.  At the time they were the only country that utilized foster homes instead of orphanages.  I knew that if a baby was able to emotionally bond they would be more likely to be able to transfer that bond.  That was important to me.   I wanted to do everything I could to avoid reactive attachment and all of the other scary things that they tell you about when adopting.  But what I later learned was far more terrifying than any attachment issues.  In 2012 I read an article that stated that Guatemala's adoption system had been the most corrupt in the world for over a decade. News organizations reported in detail, repeatedly, that the country's babies were systematically being bought, coerced, or even kidnapped away from families that wanted to raise them.  I used a legitimate adoption agency, I read the social worker’s report on the birth mother, and I still have contact with the foster mother.  How could this be true?  It couldn’t be true for my Lidia…could it?

 

I wish I knew then what I know now.  And I wish that I could “unknow” that in every human endeavor, there is a chance for abuse.  For every legitimate agency and every mother in Guatemala who desperately wants a better life for their baby, there are also nefarious practices and families are deceived or coerced into giving their children up for adoption.  Traffickers target the most vulnerable – children, those living in poverty, refugees and migrants – because they are often desperate.  In Guatemala around 60 percent of children live in poverty. Criminals know that parents who are poor will have less resources and money to search for their missing children.  In a related story, just this month the news reported that a 12 year old boy was trafficked to England to harvest his organs.

 

It is important to know that trafficking exists.  It is important to know that there are those who are willing to hurt even babies and children for a profit.  It is even more important to do something.  Not sure what?  The U.S. Department of State has 20 suggestions to get you started on your path to helping end modern day slavery:  http://www.state.gov/j/tip/id/help/  If those suggestions don’t work for you then give the Michigan Human Trafficking Task Force a call and ask what you can do.  But do something.  Because I have to believe that the only thing worse than imagining that your child was taken from a mother who wanted to raise her is actually being that mother.

 

James Spader, Chocolate, and Human Trafficking

I was never a big fan of James Spader.  I saw him in Stargate back in the ‘90’s and just didn’t really care for him.  He kind of gave me a weird, creepy vibe so I never went out of my way to watch anything that he was in…until now.  It seemed that everyone was talking about the show The Blacklist.  So I rented Season One.  Now I love, love, love him!  Can’t wait to see him as Ultron in the next Avengers movie – but I digress.  In The Blacklist he plays a bad guy turned good – sort of.  He helps the FBI solve crimes but you never know if he is doing it to benefit himself and if he is really a good guy or a bad guy or a little of both.  What I like best is that every episode has a twist.  In one episode he tips the FBI to a hired assassin who is going to kill a wealthy philanthropist that has spent her life fighting human trafficking and helping rescue victims.  In the end, the assassination attempt is successful but we discover that all the while she was standing on a podium accepting awards for her work she was selling young girls and trafficking them herself. Boom!  Did. Not. See. That. Coming.  What a twist!  I love a good twist – or at least I used to…

Fast forward to this week.  I was on a panel discussing human trafficking when an audience member asked why we just don’t do something about the men who buy girls.  Excellent point!  Human trafficking is an economic crime.  People don’t do it to be mean to people…they do it to make a profit.  Not only is it a horrific crime, but it is a fundamental violation of human dignity.  New awareness campaigns exist and new laws are being written, but as long as there are those who purchase sex or products made from slave labor what are the real deterrents for the traffickers?  Take away the demand and you go a long way to eliminate the issue.  Makes perfect sense.  But there is a twist – and this one is not so good.  You see, I am guilty of being on the demand side of human trafficking.  And guess what?  You are too. 

We know that children as young as 5 years old are forced to work in coco fields and that many, by the time they are 10- or 12-years old, have hands that are permanently deformed from arthritis…but that chocolate is soooo good!  We’ve all heard about slave labor in the garment industry…but did you see how cheap that shirt was?  Prostitution is the oldest profession.  What’s the harm?  It’s a victimless crime.  But here is the truth- my organization serves prostituted women.  It is a crime that hurts a person in every way that they can be hurt: physically, emotionally, economically and psychologically.  I see the pain, guilt, shame, anger and trauma.  I have yet to see it as a victimless crime.

You could say that you didn’t know your products were made using slave labor.  You could, but not anymore.  The website http://slaveryfootprint.org/ will ask you a series of questions about the products you own and then tell you how many slaves you have, in essence, working for you.  So, now that you know you are part of the demand side of human trafficking what will you do?  I’m not saying you have to give up chocolate (yikes!) – but you can purchase fair trade products as often as possible and you can write to your favorite companies and tell them that you will stop buying their products if they don’t commit to purchasing  from vendors that do not use slave labor.  And you must still call for harsh penalties for those on the demand side of this crime. 

When I train I often end the session with a challenge to participants to complete the sentence, “If I do nothing…”  But instead, I am going to challenge you to complete a second sentence, “When I do something…” You have the opportunity to be part of a historic movement that helps to end this horrific crime.

Naamgenoot

At least once a month I get what I refer to as fan mail.  It comes in the form of a Facebook message.  They show up in the messages, but there is an “Inbox” and an “Other” box.  They show up in “other” and I’m not alerted that there is even any mail there. When I finally discovered it, there were several messages waiting for me all saying how great I am.  The last one was from a 28-year old man from South Korea - the messages are from all over the globe.  They usually say something like, “I’m your biggest fan.”  “Can I get an autographed picture?” “You’re the best.” “I love you!”

As flattering as all this may seem, it turns out that, even as unusual of a name as I have, I am not the only Jennifer Fopma in the world.  The other Jennifer Fopma in the world is a professional beach volleyball player.  Yep.  Google “image Jennifer Fopma” and you will find one or two of me surrounded by a sea of bikini clad beach volleyball athletic beauty.  We have absolutely nothing in common.  She was born in Holland.  She now lives in California.  And she is 6’3”!  I’m a Michigander – always have been.  Even went to college here. Go Blue!  And I’m 5’4” (In truth, I am probably closer to 5’3”, but I like to round up – when I do I get thinner according to the BMI scale).  Nothing in common.  Well…

As I struggled to find connection with my name fellow I realized that we do share a few things other than our name in common. It struck me when I was doing a presentation.  I often facilitate a short exercise when I present to a group that has a good mix of men and women.  I start by asking the men in the room what they do on a daily basis to keep themselves safe from assault and rape.  I have the chalk in my hand and I am ready to write down their answers.  Instead, I typically get blank stares – the kind of stare that indicates that they didn’t even understand the question.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?

So, I go on to ask the women in the room what they do on a daily basis to keep themselves safe from assault and rape.  I can’t write fast enough to keep up!  Walk with my keys in my hands.  Park under a light.  Cover my drink at a bar.  Don’t go to the restroom alone.  Carry mace in my purse.  Never go out alone at night.  Bought a dog for protection since I live alone.  Cross the street when I see a man walking toward me.  Look in the backseat of my car before I get in.  Don’t wear headphones when I run so I can be alert to my surroundings.  Don’t run or walk at night alone.  Etc.  Etc.  Etc.

It is an eye opening exercise.  Most men in the room really have no idea that not a single day goes by that at least one of a woman’s actions are consciously dictated by the threat of assault.  This is something that almost all women have in common.  I do many of these things.  I bet the other Jennifer Fopma does them too.

I’m not sure why I want to have a connection with my naamgenoot (that is what the Dutch call a namesake- I use it to honor the Dutch heritage of the other Jennifer Fopma…and because it is really fun to say).  I think it started because it was just amusing to wonder what it would be like to have her life – to be tall and athletic and the star of the team.  Maybe now it is just because if I find a connection I will feel less voyeuristic receiving and reading her fan mail.  I have realized, however, that knowing about her success inspires me.  We can’t all be the star of the team, but we can be a star in our own life. 

That is what I want my daughter to be able to focus on. I don’t want her to find immediate connections with other women because they have to do the same things to stay safe.  I want her to find connections with other women because they share the desire to become the best version of themselves.  Who she will become is infinitely more important than what she will do for a living or what she will have.  That should be what consciously dictates her actions on a daily basis.  If/when the other Jennifer Fopma is a parent, I’m sure that we will have that in common too. 

One of the reasons that I love my job is because I actually get paid to try and create that world for her.  But for now, I will have to teach my daughter what to do on a daily basis to stay safe from assault and rape.  Hopefully the Jennifer Fopmas of the future won’t have to do the same.

Trust and her twin

I was visiting my girlfriend for the day.  She lives out in the country in one of those houses set way back from the road.  We were heading into town to go to the store, kids in tow and when we got to the end of her driveway there on the side of the road was a puff of white fur.  We looked at each other in horror – the cat! Not wanting to alert the children to the death of Snickers we didn’t stop.  Instead, as soon as possible I watched the kids while she snuck away and called her husband to retrieve the body.  By then the body was gone – perhaps carried away by another animal or cleaned up by someone else.  They decided to dig a hole and cover it as if there was still something to bury.  We would talk to the kids on the way home and have the funeral once we arrived back.

So there we were.  Standing in a circle around a freshly covered hole in the ground with nothing in it saying our goodbyes to Snickers the cat.  Yes she was loved.  Yes she will be missed.  Yes she is in heaven now.  Our reverent moment of silence was broken when my girlfriend screamed – a top of your lungs screech that could have woken the dead.  Except that she screamed because the dead was already awake.  There was Snickers rubbing on her leg.  Obviously it wasn’t Snickers that we saw at the end of the driveway after all.  As we caught our breath and began to laugh, her 4 year old son still looked confused.  He raised his hand as if he was in school to ask a question.  “Does this mean we are in heaven too?”

It was a rare and beautiful example of both innocence and trust.  Not for one second did it occur to him that his mom was wrong about the cat being dead.  The more logical scenario to this little child was that we all must be in heaven.  I smile just thinking about it.  There are more than a few times I have longed for the ability to trust so completely. 

As an adult we tend to think about trust when making big decisions – at big moments.  Is this used car worth the money?  Do I share this secret?  Do I sign this contract?  Do I say “yes”?  But the reality is that, maybe more than any other psychological factor, trust is a part of our everyday.  It is there in everything at every moment…it is a deciding factor of a life well lived. 

Humans are social creatures so we have always had to discern the intent of everyone else in our group – whatever that group may be.  Not only do we have to decide if others are trustworthy, but we have to decide if we will be as well.  There can be perceived, and even actual, momentary benefits of deceit.  It might help us take control of a situation.

And therein lies the twin of trust – vulnerability.  Trusting someone else means that you are not in control.  The ability to discern who you can trust and who you can’t has been a factor in our ancestors’ survival.  But no matter how hard we try to be in control, we will be faced with the need to trust.  What I learned from this 4 year old child is that innocence can be far more impressive than experience.  That if we are able to be vulnerable, to trust and be worthy of trust in return – we may also, if even for a few minutes, wonder if we are in heaven too.

How I Met My Son – A Love Story

Remember when you started high school?  All of a sudden you were expected to think about what you wanted to be and what you wanted to do with your life.  Back then I had it down.  I was going to go to college until I had a doctorate degree, probably in psychology.  I would marry and live in a house with a white picket fence.  I would spend my days at work and my nights cheering on my children at whatever sport they excelled in and going to PTA meetings.  And I was going to be a really cute pregnant mom – not one that always looked tired or gained too much weight or was sick the entire pregnancy.  It would be exhausting, but it would be perfect.  I had everything planned down to the color of the house and the names of my future children. 

My son just turned 14 years old.  He will start high school next year.  They are already asking him what he wants to be and what he wants to do with his life.  He tells me that this is overwhelming and with each passing year the pressure seems to increase. He is autistic so he is not a big fan of change and pressure.  But really, who is?  I know this about him, so each year on his birthday I tell him the story of how we met.  Here is the cliff note version:

I was graciously invited to go to doctor appointments with his birth mother.  I had not met her before the adoption process, but she was young and beautiful and kind and amazing.  Every six weeks we went to her medical check-ups and then I shared a meal with her and her equally fantastic mother.  After one check-up over dinner, the birth mother informed me that while she can put any name she wants on the birth certificate, she wanted to put the name I selected for her son. I had always planned on having a son named Alexander. But when I opened my mouth to answer her, I said Andrew. Why did I say Andrew?  That wasn’t the plan.  That wasn’t the name I wanted.  Where did that come from?  What was I doing?  Will I sound crazy if I take it back now or tell her I changed my mind?

She politely told me what a nice name that was and then asked me what made me chose that name. Of course I had no idea! Not wanting her to question her decision to entrust me with her child, I didn’t want to say “I don’t know” so I just said the first thing I could think of that I thought would make me sound good…I told her that Andrew was the first disciple and this would be my first child. She then asked me who Andrew was the patron saint of.  Ahhh!  I don’t know!  Probably fishermen, but I simply don’t know!  I laughed and I told her I wasn’t that good a Catholic but I would look it up for her and tell her at our next meeting.

Six weeks later I left work to drive to meet the birth mother for her next doctor appointment. As I was getting in my car I remembered my promise – that I would look up Andrew and find out what he was the patron of.  I hadn’t done it. I had to walk back into my office and turn my computer back on…no smart phones then. The computer needed to warm back up and then connect to the internet.  It required patience, which I was desperately lacking. I was worried I would be late to the appointment and still terrified every day that she would change her mind about the adoption. I didn’t want to do anything wrong. I was a mess. When I saw what the computer said however, I was not only smiling but washed with peace.

Andrew is the patron of women who wish to be mothers! (He is also the patron of old maids – so I joke that I was covered either way).

I hated the very first psychology class I took in college.  Never took another one. I still don’t have that doctorate.  I’m not married.  For medical reasons I can’t get pregnant.  Andrew doesn’t like to play sports, and when he does he isn’t very good – put a bat in his hands and he will swing at anything. I can’t seem to find time for the PTA and my neighborhood association doesn’t even allow fences!  My life clearly did not turn out as I planned – not even close.  It turned out better. 

So, my dear Andrew, try to relax and not worry so much about the future. Make your plans and think about what you want to be and what you want to do with your life, but be prepared that it may not turn out that way.  It certainly won’t if you keep swinging at all of the curve balls that get thrown at you.  So keep swinging.  You won’t hit them all, but occasionally you will make contact.  Don’t be afraid when you do.  Instead just enjoy it, smile, and run.  You probably won’t have the perfect life you planned.  But you will have the life that is perfect for you.

 

 

Dancing the way to Disney

With the popularity of the reality show Dance Moms, many young girls who love to dance have a great deal of insecurity about their ability and their body image.

Kimberly Rodriguez, owner of the Step N Time dance studio in Nashville, MI is a catalyst for changing that reality.  Ms. Kimberly, as her students call her, focuses as much on having a positive body image and attitude as she does on ability.  She rewards students out of her own pocket with treats for meeting personal goals and has an “I can’t” jar with extra tasks to discourage students from using the negative expression.

Each year the studio has a contest for all of the students to write about the importance of dance in their lives and Ms. Kimberly offers a scholarship to the winners – valued at nearly $2000/dancer!  She also makes sure that her prices are low so that anyone who wants to dance has the opportunity. 

As a result, dancers make the drive to Nashville from several surrounding cities including Hastings, Olivet and Charlotte.  One student benefits from dance as therapy for PTSD and another described having an autistic brother and dance as the place where she can go to feel special saying,

Even though my mom says I am beautiful, I don’t always feel that way.  I don’t know if I am very good, but when I am here I feel special.  I don’t feel different.  I don’t feel ugly.  I don’t have to worry about my brother.  It is the one thing that is just for me and where I feel that I belong.

The stories are as endless as the shapes and sizes of the dancers.  And now the company has been invited to represent our community at Disney World in June.  Rodriguez saw this as an excellent opportunity to allow the dancers to experience competition as the result of hard work, but without the criticism and rivalry associated with the Dance Mom reality TV world.  

Unfortunately, this once in a lifetime opportunity is financially out of reach for many of the students.  The dancers have sold baked goods, cookie dough and wrapped presents.  A GoFundMe page has now been established to help the company get to Florida.  These dancers are practicing both during the week and on weekends so that they can represent our community with pride. 

Step N Time proves that dance can provide a format for more than just moving your feet and body – it can also give you the skills to help you move forward in life no matter what the obstacle. 

To make a donation, please visit and share the GoFundMe page at:   https://www.gofundme.com/8tmtwm8k

To learn more about Step N Time visit the website at:  http://stepntimedancestudio.com/