As
flattering as all this may seem, it turns out that, even as unusual of a name
as I have, I am not the only Jennifer Fopma in the world. The other Jennifer Fopma in the world is a
professional beach volleyball player.
Yep. Google “image Jennifer
Fopma” and you will find one or two of me surrounded by a sea of bikini clad
beach volleyball athletic beauty. We
have absolutely nothing in common. She
was born in Holland. She now lives in California. And she is 6’3”! I’m a Michigander – always have been. Even went to college here. Go Blue! And I’m 5’4” (In truth, I am probably closer
to 5’3”, but I like to round up – when I do I get thinner according to the BMI
scale). Nothing in common. Well…
As
I struggled to find connection with my name fellow I realized that we do share
a few things other than our name in common. It struck me when I was doing a
presentation. I often facilitate a short
exercise when I present to a group that has a good mix of men and women. I start by asking the men in the room what
they do on a daily basis to keep themselves safe from assault and rape. I have the chalk in my hand and I am ready to
write down their answers. Instead, I typically
get blank stares – the kind of stare that indicates that they didn’t even
understand the question. Anyone? Anyone?
Bueller? Bueller?
So,
I go on to ask the women in the room what they do on a daily basis to keep
themselves safe from assault and rape. I
can’t write fast enough to keep up! Walk
with my keys in my hands. Park under a
light. Cover my drink at a bar. Don’t go to the restroom alone. Carry mace in my purse. Never go out alone at night. Bought a dog for protection since I live
alone. Cross the street when I see a man
walking toward me. Look in the backseat
of my car before I get in. Don’t wear
headphones when I run so I can be alert to my surroundings. Don’t run or walk at night alone. Etc. Etc. Etc.
It
is an eye opening exercise. Most men in
the room really have no idea that not a single day goes by that at least one of
a woman’s actions are consciously dictated by the threat of assault. This is something that almost all women have
in common. I do many of these
things. I bet the other Jennifer Fopma
does them too.
I’m not sure why
I want to have a connection with my naamgenoot (that is what the Dutch
call a namesake- I use it to honor the Dutch heritage of the other Jennifer
Fopma…and because it is really fun to say).
I think it started because it was just amusing to wonder what it would
be like to have her life – to be tall and athletic and the star of the
team. Maybe now it is just because if I
find a connection I will feel less voyeuristic receiving and reading her fan
mail. I have realized, however, that
knowing about her success inspires me.
We can’t all be the star of the team, but we can be a star in our own
life.
That is what I want my daughter to be able to focus on. I
don’t want her to find immediate connections with other women because they have
to do the same things to stay safe. I
want her to find connections with other women because they share the desire to
become the best version of themselves. Who
she will become is infinitely more important than what she will do for a living
or what she will have. That should be
what consciously dictates her actions on a daily basis. If/when the other Jennifer Fopma is a parent,
I’m sure that we will have that in common too.
One of the reasons that I love my job is because I actually
get paid to try and create that world for her.
But for now, I will have to teach my daughter what to do on a daily
basis to stay safe from assault and rape.
Hopefully the Jennifer Fopmas of the future won’t have to do the same.
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